Lap Rules

I thought this might be a good time to lay down some rules on lap etiquette that I'd like obeyed.

1. When I mewl at your feet, there's no need for you to ask "What do you want?" I want your lap of course. No I'm not going to jump right up there, I have things to take into consideration first. I only want to be scooped and placed on the lap if it's Daddy.
2. Entering the lap is not as easy as you seem to think Mommy, there are shifty parts and lumpy parts and I often have to negotiate space with your laptop. If I claw some tender parts in the process, well I'm sorry, no need to scream about it, you big drama queen.
3. When something startles me I will leap off, possibly taking small bits of your flesh with me, again I'm sorry.
4. Don't squeeze the kitty, even though you enjoy the small noises I make when you do.
5. I have to be in the mood for you to hold my front paws (never the back paws), don't assume I'm in that mood when you are.
6. The scratches and pets are great, but once I decide those are over, and I'm moving on to the business portion, I no longer want the distraction. If you persist I'll have to nibble you.
7. The business portion can include napping or bathing, and yes you do make a nice bath tub (all those soft angles that I can use to prop myself up on make bathing quite enjoyable).
8. When you're "In the mood for a cat" don't assume I'm "In the mood" to be said cat. All your pleading will not make your lap more appealing. In fact I'm a cat - if I came when I was called - I'd be a dog. So if I was on the fence about the snuggle, your begging has ruined it.

Thank you for your cooperation.